Jack Chick

So I saw someone had uploaded Jack Chick's "Happy Halloween" and I downloaded it with glee. Of course I had forgotten that most of these are available online: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0032/0032_01.asp.  My favorite section of the tract:

So these two dudes' friend, Timmy, died right in front of their eyes after having been struck by a car.  Their first reaction, "He's in Heaven right?"  Fucking assholes.  Maybe if you dicks had spent less time in Sunday School and more time in First-Aid, your "friend" would still be alive.  And of course their super-Christian mom knows just how to comfort and console her grieving children who blame themselves for his death: "Fuck no, that bastard is burning in HELL!"  Gee, thanks, Mom, I'll never get to sleep again... ever.

She loved that boy... but she doesn't anymore, she fucking hates Hell's tortured souls.  And, thanks again, Mom, for explaining that our friend, Timmy, was in your Sunday School class, since you force us to attend as well, we'd have never known that... Holy shit—Timmy's "worldly" friends are complete bad-asses!  He's like taking part in some real-life awesome version of Easy Rider.  There's a Satanic 1%er and a 30 year old pot-head!  How the hell was he cool enough to hang with these guys?  He must have been some kind of drug mule, since no one would ever believe a sweater-wearing douche would be up to no good.

Timmy's thought bubble, "Nice rack.  She's a crazy Jesus Freak, but I'd still hit it."  What I find most surprising is that Timmy isn't going to Hell for participating in Halloween.  I'd have thought that was a one-way ticket in Jack Chick's eyes.

Someone should tell Jack Chick that the words "Hell" and "Devil" are proper nouns when used in relation to the Christian mythos.
Since Mrs. Baxter's God is insane, and let's "bad people" in Heaven over "good people" as long as they repent, I'd like to point out something: As someone who was raised with Christian brainwashing beliefs like Timmy, I know how easy it is to fall back on old habits when in grief. This is the third stage of the Kubler-Ross model.  As Perry Ferrel sung, "Hope is just another word for prayer."

Let's take a look at yesterday evening's events.  Timmy, Bobby and Dork-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had gone Trick-or-Treating and were greeted by crazy people who take their Halloween cos-play way too seriously:

Let me take you through Timmy's 5 stages of grief as he ran crying from the crazy people:

1. Denial - "I cannot believe I went Trick-or-Treating with these fucking losers!  Oh God, there is NOT a turtle head poking out!"
2. Anger - "I better not shit my pants in front of the dorks!  Why was I spending time with these losers anyway?  I should have been gang-banging some bitches with my 'worldly' friends."
3. Bargaining - "Oh Sweet Jesus, I'm sorry!  Please don't let me shit my pants!  I promise to stop staring at Mrs. Baxter's tits."
4. Depression - "Fuck! This sucks!"
5. Acceptance - "Ow, I just got hit by a car—and I shit my pants."

Thanks to stage 3, Timmy is now in Heaven, so screw you Mrs. Know-it-all Baxter. 

So in the end, poor Timmy got to go to Heaven, and his parents got rich from suing those crazy Halloween people and that guy who was driving over the speed limit in a residential area.  Sadly, Mrs. Baxter and the two dorks ended up stock-piling weapons at their friend's compound in Ruby Ridge until the FBI "accidentally" killed them all.

Thanks for the funnies, Jack.

--
Dave Maez
You got a Benz, I got a busket: Gimme a dollar!